Religion

As an agnostic (think an atheist, but a bit less radical), I'm the last person who should be talking about this (read as: godless heathen.)

In order to avoid one of my famous rants about religion (a vehicle for oh shit, there I go...), I'm instead taking a radically different standpoint. I'm starting one. Welcome then, heathens, to the formal founding of Anthistianity.

Anthistianity has all the marks of a classical religion, in order to facilitate the transfer from Christianity, Judaism, Atheism, Scientology, Catholiscism, or being a Pedestrian. For example, we believe in a higher being. Or, at least, you lot do. I'm the higher being.

I recognize only one creature on the same plane of the mortal coil as me, the mascot of our church: Fred, the flying, purple, squidlike apocalypse beast who can also change color. He's the reason the world is going to end in 2012, when he enters earth, at the summer olympics, and eats everyone there, with the singular exception of the people on Good Morning America. Following this, he will form a new nation, which will operate much like the vatican does, and prove apocalypse beast supremacy through the dialect of olympic sports. So basically, think of Fred like a Jesus for you Anthistians.

Anthistians have a few basic duties, some of which are not stolen from the Christian church. These duties include worshiping your god (Me), his son (Fred, the flying, purple, squidlike apocalypse beast who can also change color), and the spirit embodying both of them, Golf. Worship is to be enacted by sending me money, and philosophical debate on the true nature of my glory is encouraged.

Not to be outdone by "real" religions, we have a book. It's name changes on a semi-regular basis, and it's updated every tuesday, and friday/saturday. Keep a copy of this on a computer near your bed, and kiss it goodnight.

And, as the icing on the flying purple apocalypse cake, we have some commandments. They are a secret, but they all may be strictly enforced, except on days ending in "y", then only odd-numbered commandments count.

My church welcomes you, heathen. We welcome you to the lukewarm embrace of Anthistianity.