untangling headphones... in the dark.

The Internet: a traveler's guide

(like, fucking all of it. If websites were locations.)

Google: The Google high rise is a cutting edge tech information supercenter. Thousands of user input panels access the largest database of everthing anywhere, forever. White is the predominant color, and the skyscraper rises beyond sight. Glass elevators lead to other levels, full of cinemas, mailing centers, cartography centers, and thousands of other unique locales. Google is one of the most futuristic places on the web.

4chan: You enter a room, filled with dozens of doors, labeled /a/, /b/, /c/ etc. and others /rs/ /wg/ /r9k/ etc. Each room is filled with a distinct population. Anime lovers reside in /a/, gun freaks reside in /k/ (weapons), car lovers in /o/ (auto) and above them all is a golden, illustrious door: /b/. Through it reside a number of murderous psychopaths, douchebags, losers, geeks, nerds, jerks, asshats, anon's, "psychics", and perverts. There is no law or order, without a leader in sight.

Yahoo!Answers: The forum of Yahoo!Answers is best described as a swirling chaotic void full of idiocy and anger. From attention whores to tweens raging at parents to "pregnant OMG help!" girls, not a single interesting or intelligent idea is presented here. Back away slowly, and check the nearest free clinic to see if you've gotten anything.

Youtube: Much like the forum mentioned previously, a chaos. However, in this there is much information to be found, along with humor, viral videos, idiocy, pornography, pirated music, music videos, anime slideshows, news, auto-tuned everything, and a billion other things. Near the door is friendly-looking upload interface, allowing you to upload whatever you wish for the internet to see.

Newgrounds: Imagine a downtown area, where various shops and centers await your perusing. Many great ways to waste time can be found here, all rated and submitted by the public. It is a loud and busy place, a fantastic area to get lost in.

LICD.com: Inside of an unassuming little house lies a comedian, who remarks upon life, sex, and travels the world. He is a charming fellow, and is a good person to spend time with.

XKCD.com: Inside of a futuristic ampitheater lies a comedian with a math degree, educating the public in a humorous way, while also satirizing society, romance, mathematics, and many other facets of daily life. He is a hugely popular act, completely free but supported by donations.

Wikipedia: Once a great nation, wikipedia suffers now from a strong uprising of vandals and douchebags. It's great hall of information now covered in graffiti, but many areas are still readable and interesting. It is navigated via a series of ladders, ramps and doorways leading to related topics, and quiet jazz music plays constantly, adding a relaxed air to the entire area.

ESRB.org: Inside of a prison hall lie millions of texts on popular forms of entertainment, stretching back fifty years. The place is remarked on by those who know it's true purpose, but it remains a scarce resourse, despite it's entertainment value (the aforementioned texts discuss in great detail (and with some wit) features of the entertainment).

ecbproject.blogspot.com: Comment?

This is my fourth attempt to write this

Not because it's hard to write, it's just the keyboard is being a bitch.

So, today started off around midnight, like it usually does. About an hour and a half before this, I'd gotten a call from my beloved Lydia saying that her mother had decided that we couldn't do anything together, we were too young. I read this, quite clearly, to mean her mom thought I was a date rapist.

Though this may be untrue, I stand by my views.

Anyway, I go on facebook and rant about it a bit, and sarah shae and sasha the russian girl (props to them) decide to head to the mall. With Lydia and I. They plan this before telling either of us (or so I was told). Anyway, it was around this point I realized none of you particularly enjoy my "journal"-like entries, so I'll cut to the chase: this entire intro was an excuse for me to brag about kissing my girlfriend for hours on end.

But enough of that. Not one of you gives a shit about that, do you? No, you're here for my sparkling wit. In that case, I present now my thesis on females, after extensive (read: bullshit) study (and please don't write this off as sexist, the male thesis is coming tomorrow)

(before you read this, remember it will only be humorous if you, like I, find scientific analysis of random things funny. If not, I'll try and write two posts tomorrow. Comment, also.)

Females of the human race can be likened to foxes cross bred with bunnies and zebras. That is, they're unique, pretend (and can be) misundertood, cute, cunning, strategic-planning pack animals from some ridiculous fusion of hell, heaven, and a MAXIM magazine.

Females are generally shorter and more slender than their male counterparts, and tend to have higher voices. They keep their hair longer, with shoulder-length and longer being common, and body modifications (ie: ear piercings) are considered more the norm for females.

They are almost always found in groups, huddled together for protection from the aggressive brutes of the jock sub-species of males. Many of these groups are female-exclusive, with many male groups being graced by one or two females at best. The rest of the more graceful of the species spend time, as mentioned, huddled together for the many benefits groups present; ie: the trading of information "gossip", and the impressive numbers help deter potential predators (ie: losers/tools).

The female mentality, aside from the pack instinct, varies wildly. From sluts to nerds to normal girls to fashion divas to popular girls to feminazis to twilighters to sporty girls, the sub-species of females are numerous. In general, though, the more tolerable of the species share an open mindset, and often look for fun.

Of course, these are all generalizations. Each girl is, in fact, unique. And that is something I think we should all be thankful for.

(yes, my new years resolutions are to be less damn cheesy. Also, THE GAME.)

On the Inconveniences of the Human Race:

I find many facets of daily life inconvenient.

For example, the fleshy meatbag my brilliant mind calls home is horrifyingly inefficient, requiring thousands of calories to operate a measly 16 hours. During these sixteen hours it is a fine operational vehicle, but as much as two hours are spent maintaining it (showers, meals, etc.) and then, you must power down for eight hours!

This is but to scratch the surface, of course.

Then there is the sheer number of meatbags. Currently residing around 6 billion, the meatbag populace is growing to the point of taxing Earth beyond habitable levels. These numbers concentrate themselves, and exponentially increase the number of inconveniences.

Inconveniences, like lines. Lines, which could be dealt with if but ten percent of the meatbags weren't idiots, involve standing, and waiting, because demand has been let to grow far beyond supply. In this case, a simple training program teaching all meatbags to be cashiers would reduce the number of lines immeasurably.

Of course, alternative programs, such as self-checkout are already in place, but the sheeple that make up most of the meatbags simply ignore it, being to lazy or stupid to use these superior methods.

I thus propose that we alter the other end of the scale, and replace all cashiers with superhuman cyborgs, which would be able to the work of ten cashiers in a single moment. Thus the general meatbag populous would be able to continue their monotonous lives, but the rest of us would live without the inconveniences of lines.

Yes, the meatbag populous is a troubling thing. With help, of course, we can deal with lines, though. Just remember: the power is yours!

I make a lot of runs to safeway

Because I, the only person who can't legally drive, am the most mobile one in the house.

As it pertains to that, anyway. I mean, obviously those damn explosion powered beasts outrun me, but people are so damn LAZY about it. I mean, I have to pedal my way there, they can't be bothered to walk to the car! Jeebas.

Anyway, I was out at safeway the other day, (christmas eve, to be exact) getting sour cream for some recipe or other. I went in, got the stuff, and was feeling pretty happy. Life's good now, so that's how I feel a lot of the time. Like I was saying, I was standing in line, a little joybox, just chillin, waitin, etc, when the guy behind me freaking growls. Read that last word again. He growled at me. That's not normal. I looked back at him, to see if he'd been the source. He glared.

I went back to looking ahead, at normal people. He growled again.

Keep in mind, it was more a guttural, mmroarm than a ROARRRR! kind of thing, but still. Jeebas.

Just thought I'd share that with you lot. :D

I lay here, on my bed, writing this,

because I, thanks to a certain kind friend, have been made to feel like I have an audience again. Thanks goes out to Tarra for commenting. A lot.

Right. So, it's Saturday. Yesterday was Christmas (which is a weird thought) and in 5 days there will be a new year to deal with.

So, mayhap a roundup of this year is in order?

So, 2009: In list form:

1. The Beginning:

I started off this last-first-decade-of-this-millennium as an eighth-grader. While I no doubt owned that town, there were a few downsides: ie; the douchebags who harassed me daily, Mrs. Spanos, and a few bad mistakes on the girlfriend front.

2. Speaking of Girlfriends:

In order, from birth, I went out with raina, emma, shannon, devon, sabrina, jenny, and now (my favorite) Lydia. I saw raina when I was 6; I'm firmly under the impression that emma was in 7th grade; I shannon was either in 7th or 8th; devon was in 8th; sabrina, jenny, and of course Lydia were in 9th.

3. That wasn't me bragging, I swear.

I'd come up with a good reason, but I was busy having a sip of lager downstairs. Which brings me to the upsides of '09: First kiss, nerf guns, russian hats, epic parties, best friends, weddings, road trips, driving, make out sessions, movies, video games, and far too much for this poor post to take.

4. The world in general:

First black president, sarah palin, foo fighters ended, the east coast was interesting for about a month, nuclear weapons programs, tiger woods, and little else my hardly-even-tipsy brain can remember.

5: Moi.

Uh, see post 50.

So I haven't been posting regularly

You haven't been commenting regularly. I guess that makes us even, does it?

Well, happy New Irish St. Chrismalloweenstergiving Boxing Day Eve Eve. I haven't gotten a single present, since not one of you lot have commented. Bah humbug. I did, however, get to drink some lager at Nicki's b-day party, go to Chris's and have the time of my life, and see Avatar. Read on.

Fuck the lager, it's self explanatory. Let's start with Chris's party. So, imagine it. It's a cold, dark night. Anthony walks in the door. A trail of rose petals, illuminated by candles, leads to the bedroom, where...

Wait, wrong story. Back up.

Ok, Monday, I went to Chris's. I arrived with Ian, I on a bike, him in a minivan. I got in, Austin was already there, and there was much partying. Jon was there as well, (and chris, obviously) and much more partying was had. Add pizza, coke, and Die Hard (which is an S&M porno, by the way) and you've got a smorgasbord of awesome. Later, halfway through the first Matrix, Chris's mum came in, and we talked to her for two hours. That was fun. I, being ever so civil, worked my way into her heart, via complements and a love of blue cheese (freaking srs). Then, it was 11, and peeps left.

I stayed overnight.

Chris and I talked to his mum some more, and then retired to his room at about 12. We went on the ol' computer till 2, when we broke out glow bracelets and silly putty. We made the most epic necklace o'glow ever, to the tune of 21, which was a pretty great movie (I <3 Jim Sturgess). At 3, Jon arrived back home from where he had been, and we talked to him (about shit I can't discuss here. Sorry) for two hours. We did come to the conclusion that St. Peter is probably way behind, and God likes to be black, on occasion.

Following this, we broke out Life and rise against, then turned them (and the lights off) to make chris's mum think we were asleep (which we totally were). I owned his FACE.

I texted Lydia, apologizing for responding 5 hours late, and that woke her up. So I apologized for that and texted Austin, who'd just woken up for an early morning start towards LA. So, he woke up before we went to sleep.

We knocked off around 6:30, a bit of the way into Across the Universe, and woke up at noon.

We watched Dr. Who, Across the universe, and then I watched Jon play EVE (which I am now hooked on) while Chris rocked out with some Pokemon.

Then I came home, and was totally ignored by all the girls in our house (which included an additional Mrs. Carter, Autie Sue, Katie Foltz, and Rachel carter. So I went upstairs midway through HP 6 and played on da comp.

Now, I listen to traditional New Irish St. Chrismalloweenstergiving Boxing Day Eve Eve music, that is, the Across the Universe soundtrack (go, Joe Cocker, go).

Also, I pray to whatever god you do or don't worship that you comment in time for New Irish St. Chrismalloweenstergiving Boxing Day.

PLEASE.

I'm listening to "king" by weezer right now,

and I highly recommend it. Very nice song.

Today was my four-week/one-month anniversary with Lydia. There was kissing, gifting, and ass-grabbing (yeah, really.), but mostly it was just normal. Regardless, it's a normal I like.

Also, Trevor died. Well, he was pronounced officially brain-dead. So, after they harvest his organs, they pull the plug. And he dies. When the news came to the classroom, I looked in the desk next to mine, where he usually sat. The bombshell dropped in our room a few minutes early, as Bond broke it to us before it came over the announcement thing. I was one of two people not crying. I felt like a dick for not feeling sad, but I ate chocolate in English, 6th, and joked a bit with the sub. Sweet was at crisis. The sub wants me in her english class next year.

I'll be in black and gray tomorrow.

R.I.P Trevor.

having a refreshing walk around campus.

yes! it works!

more mobile testing...

I won't publish this until someone comments on the last post

Since you lot are reading this, I assume you have.

To the point: I had a dream thursdaynight. It goes like this:

I am with my boy scout troop. We're backpacking through some sandstone. A few of us head into a crevasse, to see upside-down dolphins. We are reminded not to turn them right side up, or they'll see everything upside down. Then, one of us presses a red button, and great whites swim into the tank, and start eating the dolphins, who get owned. Then, there's just one shark, and this fairy-godmother for dolphins appears, and talks to the grumbling shark. The word pimp is involved.

The people who didn't join us watch the tank through a porthole fastened to the sandstone.

Then, we get on hiking, and reach (immediately) a desert town with shacks from hawaii. I run ahead and meet Chris Vance at the bar, where we get drinks and a pair of hot indian chicks. The scout leader comes in and we hide the alcohol. We suddenly end up in Chris and I's very narrow hotel room that somehow fits two very large beds through walls that we can see. I get one of the indian chicks, but direct her to Chris, with a simple suggestion of, "Threesome?" Because I didn't want to cheat on Lydia. Suddenly, chris and I drop into an ice cave, full of freezing water. We swim towards the end, going through little bits of ice at the end till we reach solid ice. We get on there, freezing cold and panting, and my dream ends.

Blame Conor

But first, thank him. He's commented, which means another post. Also, he's nice. :D

Aside from that, blame him, this post is his fault. Look, I have a record. 10 comments on a single post. We beat that, I will be happy. No one comments, I stop writing.

Just for this post. Just remember, a comment a day keeps the doctor away.

We had a sub in english today. She was old. I think old people are funny.

Haha. Old people.

Speaking of old people, I saw my grandma Sunday. In the course of the dinner, an 80-odd year old woman called my sister's top "sexy." It was the greatest moment of my life. Which may have been helped by the cake. Delicious, truthful cake. Lemon cake.

Went to boy scouts tonight. Got paired with a 10 year old looking at our troop. Allow me to put it like so: I haven't met such a flaming douchebag in years. No manners, no thank you, no patience, I hated him. I should've tossed him in the fires we were playing with (really.) At the end, we needed a prayer, and the chaplain was gone. As ex chaplain, I was volunteered for the task. I mentioned that I was also an Atheist, leading a few dozen in prayer. Laughs were had.

A comment a day keeps me away from your door. With a herpes knife. For clarity, that's a knife, coated in Herpes. That I stab you with.

Hence, comment. Seriously, please.

One day there will be a condition named after me

for people who write endless amounts of bad blog posts at ridiculous hours of the morning while their brains are pumped up on citric acid (found in orange soda. I don't do drugs.)

I completely failed at overhauling my comp's UI today. Yes, (something)lite or whatever it happened to be called was such a b!tch to deal with, I deleted it. And now I growl at how ugly vista is.

GRAWROAR! RAAAAGE!

Following this, I made a picture of a giant robot my background, and immediately felt better. I like giant robots. Caveat, don't expect this post to be stellar. It's 3 AM now, and I'm as effed up as one can be without imbibing a shred of alcohol or narcotics. For kicks, I could keep going on the sleep deprivation, but I'm saving that for summer, when I may or may not convert to a new sleep schedule that would mean I spend 6 hours more awake each day.

While in transition, however, you get 4 days of feeling like sh!t from sleep deprivation and, oh yes, hallucinations. Yeah, like being on drugs, but cheaper and with less sleep, I suppose.

Narcotic comatose states aside, I started really looking at the hit counter recently, and I was blown away. Thank each and every one of you for visiting and reading. It's nice, even if none of you comment and only visit to see how bad this is. If it's like that, then go ahead and tell me. Not having to do this would free up a lot of my time.

It would, however, be a bit of a loss. Since it's here I can tell inside jokes and piss people off from the comfort of my own bed. At 3 in the un-man-in-the-sky-ly morning.

-St. Anthony Danger Clarke, nope-da-pope of Anthistianity.

I GOT MY ORANGE SODA BACK

AND IT IS MOTHEREFFINGDELICIOUS.

So, I just checked my wrist, and I need a watch. Jesus aside, as formal nope-da-pope of Anthistianity, I declare myself a saint. St. Anthony. Has a nice ring to it. I could market that...

Alright, laughing? Good, now, lets kill the mood with a mothereffing BOMBSHELL. Mah girlfriend is outta town all weekend. D: Now. Pretend you're sad. Oh, did I not mention that? For anyone severly out of the loop (or solar system, for you aliens out there), I'm in a relationship. Just throwing that out there. It might explain why Lydia is written on my arm. Or maybe Dad spiked my orange soda and this is all a delusion. Well, bless him. When I wake up, I'm asking for more.

Also, I got a haircut. It makes Lydia happy, as she (among other peeps) enjoys rubbing my head. Regardless, each and every time I look in the mirror, I stair at my buzzcut and think to myself, "Self, we look like a huge douchebag right now." Because I, well, do.

Additionally, I rented a few games. Dark sector kicks ass. However, that's not why your here, is it? You're here because I'm funny. So, lets get to the funnies, shall we?

Recently, I was blowing off my homework (like usual) and listening to stereomood (which I highly reccommend) and a certain kind of song came on. A mellow kind of song. The kind where you sit back and chill, just to listen. So, I stared at a lightbulb. And then it hit me: each and every day, we pass thousands upon thousands of little wonder machines that MAKE LIGHT. JEEBAS. Look around your room. Take any electronic, and think of how wondrous it is. The cell phone you have with you? Before you reply to your friend, who's drooling over me again, think about what the damn thing can do. Take pictures, play music, mine has a touchscreen, on top of all that, I could talk to some dude in Shanghai. RIGHT NOW.

You watch all those sci-fi movies (right? I'm not the only one?) and you think, "Wow! Anthony is pretty damn good looking! Also, these future-people have all this cool crap! The future rocks! Like Anthony!" Well, that hit me too. Not how good I look. But we reached the future. Several thousand miles away, in the desert, robot assassins with thermal vision are flying over troops with missiles capable of destroying a building.

Welcome to the future. People in the future comment, by the way.

Religion

As an agnostic (think an atheist, but a bit less radical), I'm the last person who should be talking about this (read as: godless heathen.)

In order to avoid one of my famous rants about religion (a vehicle for oh shit, there I go...), I'm instead taking a radically different standpoint. I'm starting one. Welcome then, heathens, to the formal founding of Anthistianity.

Anthistianity has all the marks of a classical religion, in order to facilitate the transfer from Christianity, Judaism, Atheism, Scientology, Catholiscism, or being a Pedestrian. For example, we believe in a higher being. Or, at least, you lot do. I'm the higher being.

I recognize only one creature on the same plane of the mortal coil as me, the mascot of our church: Fred, the flying, purple, squidlike apocalypse beast who can also change color. He's the reason the world is going to end in 2012, when he enters earth, at the summer olympics, and eats everyone there, with the singular exception of the people on Good Morning America. Following this, he will form a new nation, which will operate much like the vatican does, and prove apocalypse beast supremacy through the dialect of olympic sports. So basically, think of Fred like a Jesus for you Anthistians.

Anthistians have a few basic duties, some of which are not stolen from the Christian church. These duties include worshiping your god (Me), his son (Fred, the flying, purple, squidlike apocalypse beast who can also change color), and the spirit embodying both of them, Golf. Worship is to be enacted by sending me money, and philosophical debate on the true nature of my glory is encouraged.

Not to be outdone by "real" religions, we have a book. It's name changes on a semi-regular basis, and it's updated every tuesday, and friday/saturday. Keep a copy of this on a computer near your bed, and kiss it goodnight.

And, as the icing on the flying purple apocalypse cake, we have some commandments. They are a secret, but they all may be strictly enforced, except on days ending in "y", then only odd-numbered commandments count.

My church welcomes you, heathen. We welcome you to the lukewarm embrace of Anthistianity.